the bar is really fucking low.
Like really, really low.
As we speak, at this very moment, a girl on a Tinder date is walking into a “man’s” apartment that has zero furniture and a mattress on the ground with no bed frame. Taco Bell wrappers overflow from an uncovered trash can.
He does however have wine glasses.
“Impressive,” she thinks. “Better than my ex.”
About 6 miles from this same date, a man has gone “all out” and decided to cook for his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Spaghetti with bottled pasta sauce.
Two steps.
She gives him the best sex of his life that night. No man’s ever cooked for her before.
Another couple down the street has just eaten Chipotle for the 3rd time this week. When the girlfriend’s feeling particularly “chef-y,” she does this thing she saw on TikTok where she uses the leftover Chipotle to make an omelette. She claims her boyfriend loves it.
Narrator:
Her boyfriend does not love it.
Cooking has a weird stigma around it.
I’ve subconsciously been thinking about it every single day for going on five years now.
I’d like to preface it all by saying that I’m not classically trained in cooking whatsoever. I’ve never really worked inside a kitchen outside of waiting tables at the pool of a fancy golf resort.
I’m just a writer that started cooking so I didn’t die while living alone in a foreign country.
But after years of messing around in the kitchen, I discovered something arguably much more interesting:
Cooking is one of the most attractive things that any person can do.
But so few people do it — that it’s created this cultural chasm where “people who cook” are set on societal pedestals that, let’s be honest, they don’t totally deserve.
To the point where if you boil some water for instant ramen, drop an egg in it, and sprinkle some green onions on top, people will be like
“Holy shit where did you learn how to cook?”
The bar is, decidedly low.
Cooking is sexy as hell. It’s science.
I hate to be crass, but cooking is simply the easiest way into someone’s pants heart.
People are innately attracted to people that put effort and soul into something like creating food for another person. It actively “unlocks” a biological center in their brain.
“Sharing food is tightly linked to our earliest and most deeply ingrained feelings about safety, security and emotional regulation.”
This quote is from a study that explores the role of food offering in empathic emotion regulation. It goes on to explain how since the beginning of mankind,
“…men have given women presents prior to lovemaking. A fish, a piece of meat, sweets and beer are among the delicacies men have invented as offerings.”
“Other species do this as well. Many creatures give their partners food as a way of demonstrating their worth as providers.”
“For humans, sharing food is linked to perceptions of attractiveness and intimacy.”
It’s true. You’ve probably heard cliché sayings like “the secret ingredient is love” or “cooking is my love language.”
As cliché as those might seem, cooking really is this unspoken language that cuts deep into people’s DNA. It’s why you have wistful, nostalgic memories of your mom cooking the simplest dishes for you when you were a kid, whether it was made from scratch or was just boxed mac and cheese.
Cooking’s like this publicly accepted way to show intimacy with another person — even people you’ve never met — that creates a bond that’s just not replicable in other ways.
(If you try to show “intimacy” to people you’ve never met in other ways, you go to jail.)
People are out here spending thousands on clothes, shoes, and bottle service…
Taking hours getting ready with their makeup and hair…
Acting like people they aren’t, to impress people they don’t know…
When you can literally be like, “ah yeah I made a frittata the other day,” and every girls’ eyes light up like Ryan Gosling just walked into the room.
The science is fascinating — but to people who don’t care much for science…
Learning to cook = getting laid = finding love = not dying alone.
The good news is: the bar is low. Like I said 3 times already.
I like cooking a lot. But it wasn’t always that way.
In the past, I too, resorted to fast food 7 times a week.
But after slowly building my skills, and realizing that a lot of the barriers to cooking are kind of just bullshit created by…
a) your own stupid brain, or
b) annoying foodie snobs and celebrity chefs
(read my about page for more about this)
…I realized you can get people to ask you “Omg where did you learn to cook” with really simple, low-effort dishes.
My most beautiful, most picturesque, most requested dish by my girlfriend and all her friends? Here’s what you need:
Some tomatoes. Canned is fine.
An egg.
That’s it.
It just so happens that that’s the dish my girlfriend claims made her fall in love with me.
So that’s why I started this newsletter.
I think I was lucky enough to stumble onto this passion for cooking because I have a knack for it, and I had the fortitude to get over that initial hump that holds most people back from it.
But the only thing I like more than cooking and writing is teaching and sharing something I enjoy with other people.
I want to help as many people into the kitchen as possible in the least intimidating, most frictionless way possible. I’ll do that here by:
Not explaining things like an asshole
Telling hilarious, funny, relatable stories along the way
Providing lots and lots of pornography (food, that is)
Giving simple, actionable tips and tricks that you can add to your arsenal
My personal recipes that taste like a thousand orgasms, impress the opposite sex to no end, and best of all - are super easy to make.
*thousand orgasms not guaranteed*
Listen, the whole “sex-and-not-dying-alone” thing’s a funny hook for a story (yes, I’m a copywriter)…
But it’s really so much more than that.
I think, at the very least, my hopes are that you’ll be able to add one or two signature dishes that you can make for your next date. Hopefully make you laugh once or twice along the way, too.
But my highest hopes are that I can help you hit that switch that makes cooking one of the most satisfying, relaxing, and amazing routines you’ll ever have. A whole new way to express love and creativity with the best people in your life.
You in?
If you like what you read, it helps me out a ton if you share it with your friends, whether on socials or by word of mouth!
loved reading this! made me chuckle :D
Food porn is the best porn! This was a great read. Can’t wait to see the recipes you share in future posts 🤤 😋